Wow I'm fire today!2 post in day!

Anyway I was reading a friend's blog by accident, and it just suddendly hit me, I don't know her at all! Like at all! I thought she was one of my good friends, but it turned out she wouldn't confide me when something was wrong in her life, she did mentioned something about breaking down in front of H, but I don't even know who H is. I know I am a very jealous and possesive friend (thank god I don't show that side of me to people anymore, or rather keep it down a lot, I was horrible when I was little), but I guess I was suprised that I didn't know she's been through so much, I know we don't hang out a lot, and to her I am just her good friend, not best friend, confidant. I wouldn't say she doesn't trust me, but it just turns out we are not that close, and I don't really know her after all.

It's times like these that make me hate myself, even though I should be more concerned with her depression and how she went through anorexia,(I would never say a word about it unless she mentions it, see, I can be considerate lol)but all I can think of is: she doesn't tell me, she never rings me, she even mentions my name in her blog at all, to her I'm just insignficant. God, I am such a bitch, so self-centred, I don't even have words to describe it.

And that leads to another topic I've been thinking of, I was also reading  my older entries and diary, and guess what? I don't really like what I am seeing! Suprise, suprise. Those words I said....man, I sounded like I am obsess with boys! It's like, I want to be adored so much, I moaned when somebody wouldn't hug me and talk to me! And a lot of my diary was consist of hedgehog as well, I just can't seem to get over the fact he has a girlfriend and forgot that I am not that nice to him, he even said it, "You are ok, it's just your personality..."

But if I have to perfectly honest with myself I know that I am not very likeable, I am jealous and posessive of my friends, and feel inadequet when they go out and have fun without me, or if I am not the funniest and most popular in the group, hell I even feel a bit sad when I found out I am not on Jeff's top friend list, and even I know that we are not that close, that's how self-centred I am. I know I am not popular or don't have many friends and when I was in TL, I know a lot of people hate me, but that just me crave for attention more, and don't want them to hate me, I became so careful, it's unbelievable, yet I still manage to be a bitch.

So much of not wanting to be self-absorbed, and here I am talking about myself, ironic isn't? And reminder to myself, need to write this down in my proper diary.